Snarktastic
by BiteMeTechie
Summary: A series of McKay centric drabbles and one shots. Every pairing, every genre, request it and I'll write it!
1. Pacing

I found a community on livejournal which caters to 100 word McKay centric fics. I just _had_ to join in on the fun, and since occasionally, I get these bizarre ideas for drabbles that involve Rodders, I figured 'Why not? I'll do a series'.

This will be every pairing, every genre, as many as I can possibly fit. Make requests as you see fit. I'll do it all.

---

Word Count: 100

Prompt: Teeth

Rodney McKay paced around his quarters, a slight bounce in his step as he did so. It wasn't the type of pacing he did when he was nervous, anxious or upset; instead, it was the mildly bouncy pace of a man at the end of his rope.

He had been up for three days straight, pleading with any deity in the universe who was paying attention to grant him the peace he so desired.

Another circuit around the room, that same bounce in his step, that same slight impatience in his voice as he hushed the screaming bundle in his arms.

Oh, how he loathed this thing called 'teething'.


	2. Heavy Damage

Word Count: 117 (I tried to reign it in...it wouldn't cooperate)

Prompt: Cold

It bubbled forth from his lips, like a wild thing escaping from it's cage and defying it's master. There was no way he could stop it from reaching her ears, no matter how badly he wished he could.

Once it was out, he couldn't take it back; couldn't erase the flash of hurt that danced in her eyes.

He hadn't _meant_ to be callous. He hadn't meant to trivialize how she felt.

But that's how it came across.

That's how it _always_ comes across.

He tried to take it back, but such heavy damage to the heart is not so easily erased.

Her eyes went hard and her tone turned cold. "I think you should leave, Rodney."


	3. Absurdity

Word Count: 100

Prompt: Missing

He didn't miss her at all. That kind of thing would have been beneath him.

Rodney McKay didn't need to miss anyone, _especially_ not someone like _her_.

He might admit silently; sure, there were times when he got lonely and wanted a little companionship, mostly late at night when the city was still and quiet and there wasn't anyone around to talk to, but that didn't mean he _missed_ her. It was quite a leap from slightly lonely to missing someone.

How absurd would that have been? A man in Rodney's position: head scientist, genius and savior-of-Atlantis-on-more-than-one-occasion missing his _cat_?


	4. Ouch

Word Count: 136

Prompt: Suggested by SpaceMonkey0941, Rodney punched in the face

**WHAM!**

"OW!"

Major Lorne angrily stalked away from Rodney McKay, who was left holding his now bleeding nose protectively.

"What was that for?" he asked, his nasal passages making a wheezy noise as he tried to breathe through them unsuccessfully. Rodney turned to the leader of military personnel, who was standing next to him, looking smug. "Aren't you going to do something about this Colonel?"

Sheppard looked on, smirking mildly, "Like?"

"Discipline him!"

John turned to Rodney, "I think you deserved it."

"Deserved it?" Rodney exclaimed, horrified, "All I did was comment on the new batch of scientists that just arrived!"

"And I believe there was a statement about one of the techs, wasn't there?"

"The hot blonde with a great rack? Yeah...so?"

Sheppard's smirk got bigger, "That's Lorne's little sister."

Rodney's eyes got big, "Oops."


	5. Inquiring Minds Want To Know

Word Count: 268 (couldn't cut it down any more..I tried and tried and tried.)

Prompt: Suggested by 001ElvenWarrior: Rodney's 'real' name

**SLAM!**

"Don't slam the door, Rodders. It'll come off it's hinges."

"Sorry...Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Why'd you give me a girl's name?"

"Pardon me? And get your feet off the coffee table. I just waxed it."

"Sorry...the boys at school said Merideth is a girl's name."

"Well...Merideth _is_ used as a girl's name more often than for a boy, that's true, but it can be either."

"Yeah but why'd you name me Merideth? You call me by my middle name anyway..."

"Merideth is an old family name. I made a promise a long time ago to name my first child after that particular member of the family and when you were born..."

"What's it mean?"

"Lord of the sea, I believe."

"I don't like the sea...I don't even like taking baths."

"When you get older you will...and all little boys dislike baths. Speaking of which, whatever is that mud doing all over your hands?"

"I was making a volcano."

"Ah...a perfectly logical explanation."

"What's logical mean?"

"I'll explain it after you go wash your hands...I don't need caked mud all over the sofa cushions."

"But Moooom..."

"Get washed up and then you can have a nice turkey sandwich and some chocolate milk."

"Then you'll tell me what logical means?"

"If inquiring minds still want to know, yes."

"And you'll tell me about inquiring too?"

"Alright, Rodders...just get those hands cleaned off."

"Ok…I'll be right back."

"And don't stomp up the stairs!"

**STOMP! STOMP! STOMP!**

"I love the fact you neglected to mention that the family member you named him after was your aunt…"

"Shut up and read your paper, McKay."


	6. Liking Vs Loving

Word Count: 116

Prompt: Suggested by armageddon-incarnate: despair

-

As Rodney watched the American flag covered box lowered into the ground he reflected upon the man who lay inside it.

He had never liked John Sheppard. From the first time he laid eyes on that knowing smirk and that gravity defying hair, Rodney had _known_ that he would never like him.

Of course, they worked together closely...constantly...under the most extreme conditions in the most stressful of circumstances, but that didn't mean he _liked_ him

Even now, watching as the body of his comrade, teammate and sometimes confidant was lowered into the waiting embrace of the cold Earth, Rodney couldn't claim that he liked him.

No. He didn't like John Sheppard. Not at all.

But he did _love_ him.

-

A/N:Did I just write something that could be construed as slightly slashy in nature? I think I kinda did.

Dear God...my mother will have a heart attack.


	7. Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory On Acid

Word Count: 165

Prompt: Suggested by SpaceMonkey0941, freaking out over lemons

Inside the infirmary, firmly planted on one of the beds, sat a very disturbed Doctor McKay.

He rocked back and forth, his arms crossed over his chest and his eyes widened to the size of saucers. His head jerked every few seconds and he muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'Lemons' every time his eye left eye twitched with the nervous tick he had developed over the past few days.

He'd been in this _exact_ same state ever since he had returned from P3X-248 and there was nothing anyone on Atlantis could do for him. He was just going to have to get over it on his own.

His right eye started blinking rapidly of it's own accord as he pictured the evil, evil planet again. He vividly remembered stepping out of the gate and into a world of bright, Technicolor shades of orange, yellow and green, like Willy Wonka's chocolate factory on acid.

Honestly...whoever heard of a place where _everything_ was made of citrus?


	8. Afraid Of Needles

Word Count: 394 (WAY! over the 100 word limit)

Prompt: nwfairy suggested Carson and needles

-

Carson Beckett always believed in facing your fears. As a child when he was afraid of the dark, he forced himself to get over it by turning off all the lights in his bedroom (even the nightlight he kept burning day and night in the corner) and then proceeded to just _sit_ in the dark until he could stop seeing things that weren't there.

As a teenager, he had developed a horrible fear of needles. The reasons why were never important, just the fact the fear was there and that it was crippling was enough.

Naturally, to overcome his fear, he did the first thing that came to mind: he became a doctor.

Rodney McKay, on the other hand, while he shared the exact same phobia, never got over it. Rather than _facing_ his fears, he ignored them, pretended they weren't there as often as possible, and generally denied their existence.

Of course, when it came time for his first check-up with Carson, there was no hiding it. Try as he might, the flinch when he saw those syringes come out of their sterile packaging was unmistakable.

Carson had seen it; Rodney _saw_ Carson seeing it, and a new worry blossomed in his chest: the teasing that was sure to follow would be nothing short of legendary. Every _other_ doctor he'd ever been to had made a fuss about a grown man being so terrified of needles, so naturally the physicist braced himself for the worst.

But the worst never came.

The Scottish doctor surprised him, and pleasantly at that. Rather than teasing him about it, Carson remained just as cheery as ever and continued his banter with Rodney as though nothing had happened.

Rodney was so floored by this fact that he _completely_ forgot all about the needle and only barely registered the pin prick that followed.

"There now," Beckett said cheerfully as he taped down a piece of gauze on the tiny hole the needle had made, "All through."

The same thing happened the next few times that Rodney needed to be in the infirmary for tests, and each time he found himself more and more comfortable with the scenario. Carson didn't judge him for his phobia; instead, he treated it the same way that Rodney himself did: he pretended it wasn't there.

From then on, Rodney wasn't scared of needles anymore.


	9. You're One To Talk, Kirk

Word Count: 104

Prompt: Wraith with a crush on Rodney suggested by eris86 (you're an evil woman...EVIL I SAY!)

**-**

"You're telling me that she had a thing for you…"

"She was curious about human um…sexuality."

"And as a result…you and she…?"

"I'd _really_ rather not talk about it."

"A Wraith, Rodney?"

"It wasn't like I had a choice in the matter, Colonel."

"I know, but a _Wraith_?"

"My life was on the line, what other option did I have?"

"A Wraith?"

"Stop looking at me that way!"

"A WRAITH? A feeds on humans, life sucking hands, space vampire _Wraith?_"

"YES! A WRAITH! I PLAYED DOCTOR WITH A WRAITH TO SAVE MY SORRY HIDE! HAPPY NOW?"

"..."

"...What."

"How was it?"

"Colonel Sheppard!"

-

A/N:I'm going to Atlantis Fic Writer's hell for this...

Oh well...I'll have a nice cozy spot next to the Beckett/Chair shippers...


	10. Oops

Word Count: 56

Prompt: armageddon-incarnate suggested murder (accidental)

**-**

**BANG! WHAM! THUD!**

"Is he down? Is he down?"

"There's too much smoke, Rodney, I can't tell yet. Wait a second...there he is."

"Did I get him, Sheppard?"

"I should say so..."

"Really?"

"You killed him."

"WHAT?"

"Yup...dead as a doornail."

"I only meant to incapacitate him!"

"He looks pretty incapacitated to me..."


	11. In Traction

Word Count: 137

Prompt: Elizabeth Bartlett suggested...well, you'll see.

**-**

"You, sir, are one _very_ lucky man." Carson flipped one of the pages on the medical chart in front of him, writing down his patient's progress: Three days in and just as snarky as ever.

"I'm in _traction_," McKay snapped back from his place on the bed, limbs immobilized by an endless amount of plaster, "How lucky can _that_ be?"

"Well...you could've been killed."

Rodney paled slightly, "Excellent point."

Carson finished his notes and clicked his pen, tucking it into his pocket, "You know, there's just one thing I can't figure out, Rodney."

Rodney rolled his eyes, sarcasm returning full force, "Oh the voodoo witch doctor can't figure something out...the world has tilted off it's axis and the four horsemen are waiting outside."

Carson ignored him, "How in God's name did Sheppard talk you into _bungee jumping_?"


	12. Ghost Riders In The Sky

Word Count: 385

Prompt: Listening to the Blues Brother 2000 Soundtrack more than I should...

-

Rodney McKay's knees were ready to give out as he ran headlong through the gate. The muscles in his thighs were sore from close to a mile of running and his breath was coming in short pants. His shirt was covered with sweat and clung to him uncomfortably as he ran. Sheppard, Teyla and Ronon were already captured, and it was up to him to get to the base where he could get help.

Thunder rumbled across the low hills, adding to the chills that spilled down his spine as he sprinted through the mud, fear that bordered on sheer terror fueling him.

After what seemed like an eternity of pumping his legs, he saw the dial home device and slid towards it. Breathing heavy, he urgently started hitting the symbols. He glanced behind himself every few seconds as he did so, making sure there was still enough distance between himself and his prusuers.

The Stargate rippled and then the huge wave of the establishing wormhole sprang forward with a WOOSH noise.

Rodney looked back once more and saw that those he was running from were getting far too close for comfort. He took several deep breaths to steady himself and then ran towards the gate until he hit the event horizon and emerged on the other side, safe on Atlantis once more. The gate travel stole his breath away and he collapsed on his knees. "RAISE THE SHIELD!" He screamed, still trying to catch his breath.

The shield was raised and Rodney relaxed marginally.

"What happened?" Someone called with concern as a medical team rushed to Rodney's side and grabbed him by the arms, hauling him up off the floor.

He was shaking violently as he gestured with his hands.

"Faces...gaunt..." Rodney was hyperventilating, but he continued, valiantly trying to convey what he had seen, "Eyes were blurred...shirts all soaked with sweat. On horses! On horses snorting _fire_!"

There were curious looks all around, most of them saying something along the lines of 'He's flipped his wig'.

"Their brands were still on fire...black shiny horns, burning red eyes, big steel..." Rodney gasped, "big steel covered hooves!"

"What're you talking about?" Carson asked, still holding onto the seemingly delusional man's arm.

"Ghost riders! Ghost riders herding-" Rodney took a huge gulp of air, "DEMON CATTLE!"


	13. Mmm McShep Cookies

Word Count: 159 (close to a drabble woot!)

Prompt: Rissa dangled slash cookies in front of my face as payment for crossing over to the dark side and thusly...-turns to the dark side-

What? I happen to like cookies...

-

"Rodney, where'd you get those cookies?"

"They just came on the Daedelus."

"Can I have one?"

"Well..."

"Oh come on, you have a whole bag."

"Alright...but just one."

"What kind are they anyways?"

"Some kind of sugar cookie, I think...the brand is called 'slash'...whatever that means."

"Pretty good."

"Aren't they? I'm thinking about ordering some more."

"I feel funny."

"Yeah now that you mention it...so do I..."

"Geez it's hot. Are you hot? I'm hot."

"I'll say."

"What was that, Rodney?"

"Uh...I didn't say anything."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm feeling a tad bit warm myself...might be something going on with the environmental controls."

"Yeah...environmental controls..."

"What're you looking at?"

"Rodney, take off your shirt."

"WHAT?"

"Rodney..."

"Colonel, get ahold of yourself!"

"I'd much rather get ahold of-"

"COLONEL!"

"C'mon, Rodney...you know you want to."

"Get back!"

"Rodney..."

"Don't look at me that way! I will not be-MMPH!"

**WHACK!**

Thud.

"Oof."

"DEAR GOD WHAT THE HELL IS IN THOSE COOKIES?"

-

A/N:...yeah...slash cookies made of one hundred percent pure, unadulterated McShep.

Odd...since I happen to dislike this ship that it's the only one I've written anything slashy for O.o

Keep them prompts a'comin. I'm working on all of them slowly but surely.


	14. Psychotherapy Is What They Wanna Give Me

Word Count: 85

Prompt: Erm...I know _someone_ requested this pairing. Dagnabbit I can't remember who -grumble-

-

"Don't worry, Rodney. I won't tell anyone about this."

"Oh, well, thank you so much for your _discretion_, Mister Open Doors Without Knocking."

"I said I was sorry..._boy am I sorry_."

"Yes, yes, whatever. Bygones be bygones and all that."

"...You know, Rodney..."

"Oh, what _now_."

"Well it's just..."

"Spit it out already, would you, Sheppard?"

"I...I just..."

"Preferably while we're _young_."

"Well...I know you said that Heightmeyer wanted to get you on her couch, but I didn't think she meant..._get you on her couch_."


	15. Aliens Made Us Do It

Word count: 206

Prompt: Flubber asked for a pairing...which you'll get to see in a minute. I also kinda strung together a few of the other drabbles together here (mostly so everyone would stop worrying about what happened between insane!Atlantis and Rodney)

-

"My God Rodney, do you not know the meaning of the term 'Normal Relationship'?"

"This coming from Kirk himself."

"Yeah but...I mean...Cadman gets you drunk-"

"Hey, you weren't complaining about Elizabeth taking advantage of _you_, Mister high and mighty."

"Then you've got to play at being Teyla's love slave-"

"Which I think you're just jealous about, Sheppard..."

"Then you get with a Wraith, a _Wraith,_ Rodney-"

"Which I had no choice about and you know it."

"After the Wraith, you wind up getting stalked by the city itself- A holographic _projection_ of the city no less, whom I have to save your ass from-"

"As you remind me _daily_, yes."

"Then Heightmeyer gets all hot and bothered over you-"

"Once again, there was no 'hot and bothered' it was that stupid whatever it was stuff that we got a shipment of from the mainland that was tainted with Athosian aphrodisiac."

"And now, _now_...now I caught you with _Caldwell_!"

"You didn't _catch_ me! We were under the influence of that alien glowy stuff!"

"Uh huh, sure."

"It's true!"

"Rodney, I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you can only use the excuse 'alien glowy stuff made us do it' the _first_ time."

-

Keep those prompts comin' people. I'm runnin' out of usable ones.


	16. Man In A Funny Red Sheet

Prompt: Uhhh...Rodney with Superpowers was suggested by several people...but it went in a different direction than I thought it would.

Word Count: 75 (OMG! Less than a hundred? Shock! Dismay!)

-

"This is, by far, _the_ coolest thing _ever_."

"It's a rock, Rodney...you're allergic to a _rock_. I don't think there's anything cool about being allergic to a _rock_."

"But it's a bright neon green glowy alien rock that makes me--and _only_ me--weak as a kitten!"

"And that's something to be proud of?"

"You're just jealous, Sheppard…"

"Oh for Pete's sake, Rodney. For the _last_ time, this does _not_ make you the Last Son Of Krypton!"


	17. What A Way To End Things

Prompt: I won't tell a soul...

Word Count: 148

-

"It is going to be the apocalypse!" Rodney snapped, pacing anxiously in front of Elizabeth's desk, "The apocalypse I tell you!"

"Rodney, you need to calm-"

"CALM! Don't talk to me about _calm_! I am the absolute _picture_ of calm and poise and--and---and---"

"Incoherence?"

"That isn't funny, Elizabeth!"

"Really Rodney, _calm down_."

"I highly doubt _you_ would be able to calm down were you in my predicament!" He exclaimed.

"Well, after living in the Pegasus Galaxy for _how_ long, you'd think you'd know better than to just go touching any old glowy alien device you find, Rodney."

"So I'm getting what I deserve, is that it?"

"I didn't say that at all," Elizabeth replied calmly, "But you do have to take into account that you _are_ responsible for the outcome of your actions."

Rodney stopped pacing, "Well how was I supposed to know that…that…thing would make me PREGNANT?"

-

A/N: And thus ends the Snarktastic legacy. I'm not doing anymore drabbles for this series after this one, I just don't have the energy for it. Plus a couple of the others could conceivably stand alone as one shots because they're _so_ long. I think 25 is a good number to stop at, for now at least, but I'll still take requests and prompts by all means.


End file.
